I realized how much I’ve been affected by depression and anxiety ever since I transferred to this university. At my previous university, I held three leadership positions. I was actively involved in different organizations. I developed and maintained multiple meaningful connections. I was extremely focused. I studied for long periods of time and my gpa was superb. My dorm was near a beach and a small park and I’d walk through there several times a week. I felt at peace and truly happy. I never felt so free and completely proud of myself. However, my biggest concern was the price of tuition and how much debt I would accumulate after graduating. That’s when I think I got a little ahead of myself and thought I needed to further my academic pursuits elsewhere.
So, I decided to transfer after the completion of my first year. The university that I’m at now is two times the size of my previous one. It’s definitely much more affordable. I figured this would be a perfect opportunity for me to challenge myself and step even further out of my comfort zone. I can admit it has definitely been one of the most challenging transitions. I’m almost done with my second semester here and I’m still struggling to find my place within this university. Several conflicts outside of school contributed to this displacement as well.
I try not to have any regrets, but this one is going to be the toughest to let go of. Right now I’m trying to focus on alleviating stress and seek opportunities that’ll help me get back to that stellar, confident, enthusiastic and motivated girl I was. I know she’s still there and will excel at this university. She’s going to blossom into an even more outstanding student and person. She’s slowly coming back. I’m being patient with her.
I never used to like holding hands
because they would always get clammy from the nervousness
but to feel the warmth & closeness of another person
is all I’ve ever desired because of you.
you’d trace your fingertips across my face & stare deeply into my eyes
the most intimate I’ve ever been
& I’ve been searching for that same feeling ever since
you loved so gracefully
with your whole heart & soul, unconditionally.
at the time I wasn’t able to fully express how much you meant to me
but I thought you could see how my eyes lit up whenever you entered the room
I thought you could hear my heart pumping rapidly underneath my shirt whenever I kissed you
I thought you could feel the fire you ignited within my soul whenever you hugged me
I thought you could smell the scent of bitterness escape every broken part of me you’ve touched
I guess that just wasn’t enough
I know you deserved to be told every morning how golden you are.
the love I have for you will never depart
no matter the distance or how far we’ve grown apart
a letter to a love lost.
toughest times sparked my greatest creativity
so I never abhor my tribulations because they always revealed the best parts of me
best parts of me that were hard to see
hidden beneath insecurities,
analyzed the societal lies & prophecies.
which led me closer to my godly.
I had to keep digging deep
until it soared & seeped through me.
I gotta dig deeper.
Where vulnerability is no longer my fear but my path to pure bliss.
Where my heart is fully open to love.
Where my past doesn’t allow me to play victim whenever someone comes along.
Where negativity sits by the tide but doesn’t move me offshore.
Where happiness exists outside of the materialistic things.
Where my mind & body is relaxed, not affected by anxiety.
I gotta dig deeper, for all I desire is already within me.